Recently, while fussing over what to play whilst we wait for the sequel to Breath of the Wild, we ventured into a realm the likes of which we’d never before explored: FromSoftware’s latest release, Elden Ring.
Desperation drove us. After all, one can only tool around Hyrule on a Master Cycle Zero for so long. Even then, desperation had to wait its turn, as Demelza had decided that nothing would do but a PlayStation 5 on which to play Elden Ring. No PlayStation 4 for us! No Xbox! And no way we’d play hunched around a computer screen, our eyes straining, our bad backs complaining.
In due time (okay, four months), a PS5 arrived.
Permit us a tangent here. We remember a quiz from long ago in which one had to choose between the Rolling Stones and the Beatles as the best rock band ever. And declare whether one preferred cats to dogs. Chocolate or vanilla ice cream. Et cetera. One’s choice in these matters signified something about the person. And if you’re a Stones, dog, and vanilla fan, you’re never going to carry the banner for Beatles, cats, and chocolate.[1]
The same ingrained preference might be said of video game consoles.
We’ve always been Nintendo-ites, and more particularly, Zelda-ites. Perhaps that explains our abject horror at the size of the PS5, which looks like a miniature starship about to unload aliens on an unsuspecting Earth. Eventually, however, Demelza had the ungainly thing connected to the television and the interwebs (more about that later), and we loaded up Elden Ring.
Whereupon we were promptly overwhelmed.
Character is everything
First off, we had to choose a character. Little did we know how this would decide our future! There should be some warning about choosing carefully. Instead, we assumed the choice was cosmetic, like Link coloring his armor at the Kochi Dye Shop in Hateno. And thus we decided our character in haphazard fashion: Demelza disliked the Samurai, Itzal nixed the Confessor. The Prisoner looked uncomfortable; it seemed presumptuous to call ourselves a Hero. And playing as a near naked Wretch was flat out. Snobbily picking brains over brawn, we elected to be an Astrologer.
Next up was selecting our Cracker Jack prize, aka our keepsake. We didn’t want the boiled prawns (Itzal has an allergy) and we didn’t understand the rarity of golden seeds, so we opted for a nice, cheesy medallion appropriate to someone who writes horoscopes for a living.
There were additional selections to be made about our character’s gender, age, and other things we don’t recall.
Online? Who knew?
But there was one decision we weren’t asked to make. The game has an M-17 rating, meaning that to purchase and to play the game, one should be at least 17 years old and mature. (We contend that’s sometimes a contradiction in terms.) But surely the DEFAULT setting on any game, whether rated mature or childish or doddering, should not be online play.
We didn’t initially realize that we were broadcasting or gaming in the cloud or whatever. True, we were perplexed about the messages littering our environs and a large number of bloodstains inviting examination. And what was going on with all those white spirits racing about? Once we discerned that, OMG, we were playing online, we hastily changed the default setting. Surely privacy is as important as boiled prawns![2]
And speaking of the aforementioned bloodstains: there’s also a setting in which one can decline to have blood splayed across the screen. This game being violent enough, we toggled NO THANKS. Whether our enemy’s blood or our character’s, we have no desire for such graphics. Shoot, in BOTW, we wouldn’t even want to see Octorok blood, and we loathe Octoroks!
One other setting caught our eye (barely), such that we eagerly selected LARGER font for our subtitles. Unfortunately, we don’t think the game developers understand the meaning of larger font, which should be visible without putting one’s nose up to the screen or using fingers to stretch the corners of one’s eyes apart.
Finally – white spirits and bloodstains mercifully gone from our screen – we settled down to play in earnest.
And promptly realized we were out over our greaves.
We had no soul
If you’ve never played a Dark Souls game (we hadn’t) – if you’re instead more familiar with the comforts of Hyrule, Elden Ring will make you long for the nice, homey atmosphere of Death Mountain in Hyrule’s Eldin province.
There are so many VARIABLES. Pulling up the equipment or status screens is like trying to read ancient script (in tiny font) with no Rosetta stone in sight. And all those numbers! There’s Strength and Dexterity to worry about. Vigor and Faith. Poise and Endurance. Intelligence? We thought we had that in abundance, but we soon found that, to play Elden Ring, we needed to level up our own intelligence, not solely that of our character. Weaponry stats and scaling? Immunity? Then there’s Holy damage and Poison damage and…argh.
Furthermore – and unlike in Zelda games, where you can answer yes, no, or maybe to an NPC with little consequence, because you can always choose a different response next time – in THIS game, actions and even conversations have definite and lasting consequences. Do not accept a hug from the needy NPC in the Roundtable Pizza place![3] Do not kill a bear before first speaking with Blaiid![4]
And don’t get us going on the enemies. Ganon is practically fatherly in comparison to the villains of the Lands Between. Shoot, we’d even take a Lynel over that scary big dude on a horse who hangs out around the Church of Elleh.[5]
Accustomed to ranging Hyrule far and wide to accumulate rupees and other materials, Demelza has instead consigned herself to the area proximate to the aforementioned church (in a different direction from the scary big dude, naturally).
She’s dispatched the same soldiers of Godrick over and over again and scrounged for fruit and leaves in an effort to level up our Astrologer. She’s concerned, you see, that Itzal’s tendency to doggedly declare that he is keeping his eyes on the prize, which manifests in a Neville Chamberlain-like approach to conflict, will result in a paucity of necessary resources to advance our game.
Astrologer disparagement
And finally, a word about that Astrologer. We have discovered a certain disdain in reddit and similar forums over playing as the stargazer. Unbeknownst to us, we have apparently chosen an easy path, such that if we do ever, eventually, maybe eight years from now, finish Elden Ring, there will be those who say, “You didn’t really beat the game.”
If the number of times we died in four days of play is any indication, we can’t agree that playing as the Astrologer is taking the easy way out. Yes, we occasionally wave our magic staff, but it often looks more like we’re blessing the faithful than attacking an enemy.
Instead, we are currently playing as if we were Link, determinedly wielding our Short Sword (Itzal is annoyed that a short sword is the Astrologer’s starting weapon) and occasionally raising our paltry wooden shield, which looks remarkably like a pot lid from BOTW. Neglecting the Mind and Intelligence attributes, we’re steadily leveling up Strength and Dexterity so we can use the bow we acquired. We added to our Endurance when Demelza was horrified to learn that we might otherwise succumb to fat roll. (Itzal wishes to assure the reader Demelza is NOT fat.)
Perhaps we’re not using our, or the Astrologer’s, Intelligence as we should.
What can we say? Once a Nintendo-Zelda-ite, always one. And the Beatles have nothing on the Stones.
Editor’s Note: This is the first in an occasional series in which we Zelda Elders discuss our (mis)adventures in The Lands Between. Don’t expect many screenshots: “You Died!” disappears far too quickly for us to snap a photo.
[1] We can’t remember the PURPOSE of the quiz, but that may be as much about our age as the usefulness of the questions.
[2] Itzal notes he does NOT have an allergy to his right to privacy.
[3] If it needs be said, not its real name.
[4] We sensibly ran away from any and all bears we met, even before we learned of this advice. (Demelza of Itzal: It’s like playing with the Cowardly Lion.) (Itzal of Demelza: Says the woman who hasn’t left the Church of Elleh.)
[5] Also not his name. He’s a Tree Sentinel. But “scary big dude” describes him far more accurately than anything associated with foliage.