[Editor’s Note: This blog mainly consists of whining, high dudgeon, and one or two conspiracy theories. If you are by nature a cheery person, one who’s convinced the glass is half-full of expensive Champagne all the time, you might want to read your horoscope or something perky instead of the diatribe that awaits below. You might also want to read the news more and question that sunny outlook of yours, ahem.]
Game designers can be mean. Some of them must have been bullied as children and, therefore, creating complex dungeons and nearly-impossible-to-defeat bosses is their way of paying it forward in a not-nice way. Either that or they are sadists. What other explanation can there be for the Sandship dungeon boss, the hated Tentalus?
None.
Hark back, Gentle Reader, to the blog post in which we disclosed that Itzal had a snit while trying to defeat the Tentalus, causing poor Demelza to cower at her end of the sofa and almost costing Itzal the price of a new TV (his old one nearly having had Joyless-Cons thrown through it). The Tentalus is ridiculous. Stupidly difficult. Unnecessarily difficult. Cruel in its design! Insert your own whine/complaint here!!
Defeating the beast requires innumerable Skyward Strikes, all loaded up whilst running around a ship deck avoiding tentacles. Skyward Strikes are hard enough, thanks to the indignity of the Joy-Con operations. Then the player must quickly arm the bow, aiming while under attack from tentacles, followed by (if one is so lucky as to shoot true) some regular sword strikes to the beast’s eyes, and more running around. And all of this must happen, oh, we dunno, 436 times successfully before the beast moves on to the second phase.
It’s just too much.
We understand that some bosses are more difficult than others. But we play Nintendo for FUN. Has anyone told the designers this? It is not FUN to die over and over. It is not FUN to run and jump and load a Skyward Strike and lose hearts and get yelled at by one’s gaming companion. (Demelza’s side note: She would like to clarify, if it is not readily apparent, that she was not the one yelling, as she’s regularly accused by Itzal. Indeed, she was the yell-EE during the Tentalus battle.)
Sure, it’s true Itzal might have been tired the first ten times we tackled the Tentalus. And, okay, he might have spilled one or two Diki Diki cocktails down his gullet. Still. It was too much.
However, and it’s a big however we grant you, the beast was defeated in reasonable time when we started fresh a few days after the DISASTER that was our first attempt. Hence, Zelder Tip #1: Sometimes it’s best to walk away. When you find yourself in an endless loop, Older Gamer Who Does This for Fun, follow the adage and live to fight another day.
Zelder Tip #2: Read all the instructions on whatever online cheat sheet you’re consulting. Itzal may never let Demelza forget that, when first they attempted the Tentalus, she advised him thusly (in hushed tones, to be sure, as she was being yelled at): “When the box drops, signaling the start of the second phase of the battle, you must jump on top of it.” Only later did she admit she failed to read the rest of the directions, which were “Then climb from the box top to the deck above.” Turn the page as you read, Gentle Reader, as there may be more instructions on the next page. (Demelza’s second side note: Initial failure to turn the page did not matter in the slightest, since Itzal never made it to phase two of the battle that first day, and by the time they played again, she had, in fact, turned the page for the full set of instructions. Not that she wishes to highlight Itzal’s first debacle on the Sandship, but, after all, one must defend one’s honor.)
We are given to understand that game designers study brain psychology when they are learning and honing their craft. They know how to keep us playing, addicted to those endorphins swimming in our brain like dolphins in the Deep Blue Sea. We’re okay with this.
But are game designers also taught to include Truly Heinous Bosses now and then, to drive away Older Gamers and leave the aforementioned Sea populated only with teenage heroes? Is this payback for the Great Recession, Climate Change, and everything else our Boomer Generation has done to you???! Are you trying to give us strokes? Is this your version of “Okay, Boomer?” Say it isn’t so, young game designers!
And, while we are at it (“it” being whining, that is), let us say a word or two about the Joy-Cons that, in the Switch remaster of Skyward Sword, substitute for the Wiimote and nunchuck (however it’s spelled).
The words in question are “crap” and “crappier.” There should be a class action lawsuit against the designers for all the shaking and twisting and downward-pointing that must happen to make these controllers work. Period.
Zelder Tip #3 – press the ever-loving heck out of “Y” to reset your gyro, friends. The Joy-Con brings no joy, the gyro is always failing, and – if we haven’t said it enough – none of these seemed necessary to the enjoyment of the game when we faced the appropriately named Abysmal Leviathan. Whine, whine, whine, as it were! (Demelza’s third side note: Of course she is aware that the correct name is the Abyssal Leviathan, as in From the Depths. But for Itzal, the boss was more abysmal than abyssal, so she’ll allow the mistake. As long as you know it’s not hers.)
The boss that follows the Sandship dungeon, the dreaded Dark Lord Whatever, was a walk in the proverbial park after two (2) crappy days of play. But more about that in a kinder, gentler blog. For now, we remain in high dudgeon about the Sandship dungeon.
So there.