Editors’ Note: The Thin Man, a 1930s novel by Dashiell Hammett, introduced the world to Nick Charles, a retired detective, and his wife Nora, a socialite, famed for witty repartee, solving mysteries, and a penchant for cocktails. Obviously, our own Itzal and Demelza excel at witty repartee and cocktails – and they adore Nick and Nora. So this week, Itzal and Demelza travel to Nintendo World Headquarters to see if they can also solve a mystery: what the heck is up with the sequel to Breath of the Wild.
Itzal (adjusting brim of his hat): Does this fedora make me look fat?
Demelza (not looking): Of course not. Besides, you’re supposed to be Nick Charles, not the Thin Man.[1]
Itzal: So, I’m not the thin man, I’m the fat one? Is that what you’re saying?
Demelza: There’s no winning this conversation. Please, let’s focus on the task at hand: when will the sequel to Breath of the Wild be released? What will its title be? Will Zelda be a playable character? That’s what we’re here to find out.
Itzal: That’s more than one task. I may need a drink.
Itzal and Demelza pause, whip open their mobile bar, and mix up a pair of cocktails. Demelza wonders, not for the first time, why ZeldaforElders.com does not offer links to various bar products so as to maximize site potential. Itzal wonders where Demelza found a mobile bar. (He wonders less that she bought one.)
Itzal: Why are these glasses so small?
Demelza: They’re traditional Nick and Nora glasses. People didn’t used to drink eight-ounce cocktails, you know.
Itzal: Right, they just drank more of them.
Demelza: Shhhhh. Someone’s coming!
Itzal and Demelza duck behind a heavy, dark purple curtain covering a wall of windows, conveniently there and nowhere else at Nintendo World Headquarters, perfect for snooping, cocktail-drinking Legend of Zelda detectives.
A group of producers and programmers enter the room; it is time for the latest group playthrough of the BOTW sequel.[2]
Player 1: Anybody else thinking that Zelda should have changeable hairstyles as an armor option?
Player 2: Hm, maybe. After the latest trailer, Twitter lit up over Link’s hair looking like Fabio’s when he flies.
Player 3: Who’s Fabio?
Player 4: Guy who used to adorn the covers of bodice rippers.
Player 3: What’s a bodice ripper?
Player 4: A romance novel.
Player 5: Not our audience, surely?
Player 6: Speaking of flying, the aerial sequence in the Kobayashi Maru sky is way too easy. Who designed the spiral charge in Skyward Sword? Let’s get them in on this.
Player 2: Similar comment here. I’m enjoying the Pit of Despair water dungeon, but maybe we’ve over-nerfed. It makes the underwater spin from Skyward Sword look tough, if you can believe that.
Player 4: Well, remember we got all those complaints from boomers playing Zelda…. they didn’t like Eventide Island on BOTW, couldn’t fly for s—t in Skyward Sword… we have to give them something they can do on their own without a cheat or a YouTube video.
Player 6: Yeah, reminds me of those two whiners, what were their names? Itzak and Demora? I swear the guy couldn’t get through a single shrine without complaining on their blog –
A muffled noise emerges from along the wall of windows.
Player 2: Did you hear something behind that curtain?
The group looks around, hears nothing, and returns to their playing screens.
Player 5: So anyhow. Itzak and Demora. We’ve always said we should include a few outsiders in our playthrough group, to see what’s OP and what needs nerfing. I’m just saying, that Itzak fellow could be our test subject. He’s constantly threatening to throw the Joy-Cons. The Legal Department is worried he will sue.
Player 1 (snorts): Yeah, but what about Demora? She’s DEMORA-lizing for sure, always berating poor Itzak for not getting every treasure chest.
Player 3: Is that a joke? Demoralizing?
Player 4: You should read more, dude.
Player 2: He left a Giant Ancient Core behind in Mirro Shaz shrine. Just sayin’.
Another noise from behind the curtain.
Player 4: I know I’m new here, but can someone please explain why we have a curtain in this room and nowhere else? Seems weird. Like somebody left a torch next to the Hateno Ancient Tech Lab just before Link sets off to carry blue fire.
Player 1: The curtain keeps the light out for maximum screen contrast during playthrough.
Player 2: Not very high-tech of us.
Player 1: We use our tech where it matters most. And, by the way, not everyone noticed the torch next to the Hateno Lab.
Player 3: What idiots wouldn’t notice the torch?
Player 6: The ones who raced off yelling “Eye on the Prize” and subsequently had to resort to bokobats and tree branches to carry blue fire.
Another muffled noise, and sounds of shattering glass, comes from behind the curtain.
Player 2: Maybe that curtain is a torch, metaphorically speaking.
Player 3: Are you suggesting we pull back the . . .
And thus are Itzal and Demelza revealed, mobile bar and all.
Itzal: Erm, pay no attention to that man and woman behind the curtain.
Player 5: Are you spies from PlayStation?
Player 6: I don’t think they’re bright enough to be spies. Or from Sony, for that matter.
Demelza: Please, call us Nick and Nora. Charles, that is.
Player 4: I get that reference! I was brought onto the development team as someone who understood old – um, mature audiences. You know, people who read bodice rippers and perpetually quote The Princess Bride and watch black and white movies like The Thin Man. Hey, dude…not for nothing…but you aren’t…er…
Demelza: Stop right there. I’ll have you know that Nick Charles was not thin, it was the man they were looking for –
Itzal: Not making it better, Demelza.
Player 3: Incidentally, it’s barely 9 am. Why are you two drinking at this hour? Wouldn’t you rather have breakfast?
Itzal: It’s too early for breakfast.[3] Say, I don’t suppose you’d let us take a spin on the new game? What’s that it’s called…?
Player 1: Nice try. You’ll get the game, and its name, when everyone else does.
Itzal: And when, exactly, might that be? It’s been 2022 for two months!
Demelza: I have something to offer, in exchange for an advance copy of the game. You see, despite our lovely period glassware and our, ahem, sparkling repartee, we are not– (she pauses dramatically)– not really Nick and Nora Charles. We’re Itzal and Demelza. And if you’ll give us an advance copy, we’ll let you view and analyze our Hero’s Path, or whatever the mode is called in the new game. You’d know exactly where older gamers spend their time! And what they avoid!
Player 6: Oh, that’s what we need. Hero’s Path would show Itzak – sorry, Itzal – gadding about aimlessly for two hours before throwing the controllers in a Game Over snit, followed by 20 hours of Demelza hunting restless crickets and hearty lizards.
Itzal to Demelza: I’m starting to seriously dislike Player 6.
Demelza: What if we help you design the new game’s tavern? You have one, right?
The Nintendo design group exchange glances.
Player 1 (eyeing the mobile bar): Hmmm. They may not be great at dungeons, but something tells me they know canteens. Okay, somebody hand the not-so-thin-man some Joy-Cons. Be sure to give him a leg strap, too. He’ll need it to scale Sisyphus Mountain.
Itzal (incredulous): I thought that having a Joy-Con strapped to the leg in the latest Nintendo Direct was a joke?
Demelza: Oh, dear. This bodes ill. Here, Itzal, have another Fair and Warmer.
[1] Made into a movie starring William Powell and Myrna Loy, The Thin Man spawned cinematic sequels all with Thin Man in the title, resulting in audiences assuming that Powell, aka Nick Charles, was the thin man in question. He was not: the titular thin man was the one missing in Hammett’s novel (and the first movie). Powell was thin, however, unlike the fictional Nick Charles, who is described as overweight and out of shape. (No one of our immediate acquaintance fits that description.)
[2] Reportedly, every three to six months, BOTW’s creative team spent a week playing the game to find out what worked and what didn’t. (We don’t believe they spent enough time on the Yiga Clan hideout or they would have known that didn’t work. At all.) We assume they’re doing the same group play with the sequel, which is why the game’s taking impossibly long to be released.
[3] This is a shameless steal from Hammett’s book. We couldn’t resist. We are hoping we aren’t sued as a result.