A prime point of contention in the Demelza/Itzal Alliance to Defeat the BOTW Bad Guys is the Guardian, that evil-incarnate remnant of a happier day in Hyrule. Demelza’s always wanting to go Guardian hunting, like it’s a family fete on Easter Sunday. Itzal’s always giving her idea the big Thumbs Down. It’s a Thing we do now.
Readers of a Certain Age will no doubt want to defeat Guardians – you want all those ancient parts, for one thing – but we’ll bet the family farm you won’t like defeating Guardians. And if you search the Internet for helpful “how to kill Guardians” tips, you will find many. This, then, is more of that with a bit of sarcasm and, of course, a cocktail recommendation.
Because Demelza and Itzal do agree that Guardian hunting is better after a couple drinks.
First, the Primer.
Demelza wants you to know there are four (4) types of Guardians you should be thrilled to hunt while playing BOTW:
- Decayed – they lost their legs, so are now found hulking around in pastures and the like, but they tend to wake up and shoot Link. (These are only mostly dead, not to be confused with entirely defunct Guardians, which can be Searched (hit A) for spare Ancient parts.)
- Common Guardian (a.k.a. Stalker) – the ugly spider things that move far too fast for Itzal’s taste.
- Skywatcher – they fly around towers and mountain cliffs and may have escaped from a foreign power’s lab just to ruin Itzal’s day.
- Turret – found only around Hyrule Castle, fortunately stuck in one place, but they can move up and down, just to make life “fun.”
Second, some Tips.
Zelder Tip #1: Shoot an arrow in their eye. They only have one, and it really does slow them down so you can do your best to kill them. “It’s only fun after someone loses an eye” is a much better motto than the version from our youth.
Zelder Tip #2: Master the perfect parry. Remember the Ta’Loh Neg Shrine, where we told you to spend the time learning the perfect parry? This is why. You desperately – desperately – want to be able to do the move. And if you do master it, theoretically a humble pot shield works as effectively as your fanciest shield. Now, it’s true, Itzal’s parry is practically never perfect in any way. This results in a lot of shouting and a lot of reloading to an earlier save point because so many shields have gone up in smoke. Just learn it.
Zelder Tip #3 – The Ancient Shield is your friend. Any idiot (hello, Itzal) can do a perfect parry with the Ancient Shield; it’s automatic. That is, when Demelza allows him to use this expensive and therefore rationed item. (“You need to save that for Ganon! Remember what happened last time? Are you listening to me? SAVE!”)
Hilarious But Cruel Internet Tip Masquerading as Zelder Tip #4 (as if Itzal could ever do this): Use the Stasis-plus rune to freeze the Guardian in place and then, umm, have your way with it. (Itzal at this point flounces from the room and makes a cocktail.)
That’s really all we have to say on the subject of tips for Guardian hunting.
Okay, that’s not true. There are a few more, shall we say, stream of consciousness things that come to mind when the subject of Guardians is brought up at the dinner table (or around the drinks cabinet).
Part of the trouble here is sonic. Not the hedgehog, the actual NOISE that comes with these things. If you’re sensitive to dramatic music (and shouting) your blood pressure is surely going to go up, because Guardians come with their own scary soundtrack. Try turning the volume down. (Itzal once yelled this at Demelza, regarding her volume; his parry was neither perfect nor timely.)
The Guardians who roam around can be deterred by putting a tree, rock, or ruin between them and you. It does help – they stand on the other side, flailing their arms, while Link calmly takes out his shield – yay, verily, a pot lid, tra-la-la – and deflects the now-stationary laser blast. Find your own personal optimal distance from the Turrets and the Decayed. That parry is all about when you press the button, which is when you hear the slightest hint of the sound of the blast beginning, which varies from player to player and day to day and cocktail to cocktail and…oh, never mind.
And, finally, the discussion of what to drink while Guardian hunting. (Honestly, Demelza asks it thus: “Would you like to practice Guardian hunting?” Which is both ridiculous, because – NO – but also condescending, because – PRACTICE? – as if Itzal is not a hunter just yet. Harrumph.) We’re tempted to say, “Drink everything left in the drinks cabinet,” but that seems unwise, and since Demelza makes Guardian hunting sound like a Sunday brunch sort of activity, and since Guardian lasers are sort of purplish, well, then, we suggest a pomegranate variation on the popular brunch mimosa, which we like to call the “pomosa.” Drink several. Early and often. Things will seem practically perfect, we promise.