It must be stated at the outset that Demelza and Itzal are not avid followers of those “Best and Worst” lists that tend to appear in mainstream media at the end of the calendar year and (more frequently) in Hollywood gossip magazines. They’ve always seemed kind of mean to us, those lists, and although we’re often self-deprecating, we cringe at criticism directed at others. But in this case, we’ve been carrying a few axes – five, to be exact, upon consulting Link’s inventory – that are ripe for grinding. (In a couple cases, MORE grinding, as we’ve already blogged about them.)
It must also be stated that Itzal has the attention span of a gnat and the patience of, say, a shark in bloody water. What follows is a list of where he flounced off in a snit – and sometimes Demelza did, too – because arguably some really sadistic game design has gone into Legend of Zelda.
So, with those two upfront caveats, here is our take on the Worst Places and Quests in Breath of the Wild (non-Hollywood edition). Pour yourself something like a tequila sour to really taste the tartness of defeat (it’s sour, get it?), and read on:
Worst of the Worst: Yiga Clan Hideout
Deep in the Gerudo Highlands, home to a fat mob boss and his creepy soldiers, lies the lair of the Yiga Clan. Your task is to secure the Thunder Helm before you can free the Divine Beast Vah Naboris – so you must do this one, if you aspire to free all the beasts and, accordingly, battle a half-dead Ganon.
This hideout is no fun! It’s dark. It’s full of bananas. And you can’t save: every time you mess up with one of the guards, you’re sent back to beginning. We honestly thought we couldn’t do it, and thus we’d just have to fight Calamity Ganon with one beast tied behind our back. But dogged Demelza scoured the Internet, finding, by the way, that we were not alone in our distaste for the Yiga Clan and their thrice-damned Hideout; we encountered post after post by frustrated gamers. Demelza remembers one, in particular, in which a gamer snarled that the hideout nearly made him quit playing the game. Then there were the (not) helpful posts by more adept (younger) gamers who suggested things like glitching your way through the back wall or the top of the Hideout with a combination of controller fiddles we were never going to replicate.
Eventually we found a helpful suggestion, and thus we cheated our way through using Ancient Arrows. We were euphoric – briefly – until we discovered that the number of Yiga out and about in Hyrule increases exponentially once you complete the Hideout quest. This just seems like pouring lemon juice on a paper cut, if you ask us.
Worst Runner Up: The Lost Pilgrimage
If you mentally blocked it out, or just plain skipped it (because you can), The Lost Pilgrimage quest takes place in the Great Hyrule Forest, where you’re asked to follow some Korok youth, Opie or Okie or Whatever, to the Daah Chokah Shrine — and you must be all sneaky and drunk on stealth potion while you do it. Here’s another of those wretched quests where, when you mess up, you are forced to start all over. Who thought this was a good idea? Some parent who saved the green beans you wouldn’t eat at dinner and places them atop your pancakes the next morning? Honestly, people! #theworst
Worst Shrine, Once Inside: Mirro Shaz
Do you like golf? Neither do we. Let alone golf with a sledgehammer and no laws of physics working on your behalf! And yet, welcome to the Mirro Shaz Shrine, also known as That Place Itzal Left in a Snit and to Which Demelza had to Return Alone.[1] The shrine itself is not so bad, as shrines go; you can get the spirit orb fairly quickly. But to secure a Giant Ancient Core – something Demelza is always shouting about needing more of – you need to play a wretched game of golf with an orb and sledgehammer and THERE ISN’T ENOUGH ALCOHOL IN THE DRINKS CABINET.
Zelder Tip: You need to use Stasis and hit the orb 5 ½ times. Yes, 5 and a half. Not five, not six. And for the final stroke, the “half” stroke, you must change from a double-handed weapon to a single-handed weapon right in the middle of the tick-tocking stasis AND DID WE MENTION THERE ARE NOT ENOUGH DRINKS IN THE CABINET?! Well, there aren’t!
Worst Korok Seed: Lurelin Village Casino
At last, an item on the list of Worsts which is not solely Itzal’s snit. (He walked away from this one fast because he doesn’t lust after Korok seeds in the way Demelza does; she came to loathe this seed just as much.) You’ll find the casino in lovely Lurelin Village, and you’ll be oh-so-excited to know there’s a Korok hiding on top of the roof. To retrieve the seed, you must use Stasis or a bottle of tequila to help thwack a nearby rock into the air and onto the roof. Or one could “merely” attach an Octo balloon to a rock and then shoot the balloon at the precise millisecond the balloon is over the roof. Similarly (the similar relates to the frustration, not the activity), one could chop down a tree so that the fallen log forms a ramp up to the roof, whereupon one balances along the tree ramp holding a rock overhead… And, fat chance, people! Demelza tried countless times (Itzal, maybe three before his snit arrived to carry him away) and got nothing by way of a Korok. We’d make a joke about compulsive gambling, but we live in Las Vegas, and it’s not allowed. Our advice: skip this seed.
(Maybe) Worst Idea Ever: Eventide Island
We know, we know, we just whined about this one. It’s still on the Worst List!!! List of Worsts. Whatever. We do not like it. Why? Well, because here again, when you mess up, you must start all over. Pretty standard Legend of Zelda dungeon fare, you’re saying after our two previous whine-fests. But in this case you are also stripped practically naked, and all your weapons are taken away when you reach the island – AND THEN YOU ARE THROWN BACK TO THE BEGINNING WHEN YOU INEVITABLY MESS UP. This may have been the first occasion, though it wasn’t the last by far, when Itzal proclaimed: “This game was designed by sadists.”
The Worst is Over (for now)
All that said, we confess we can’t wait to see what the sadists, er, game designers at Nintendo have lined up for Breath of the Wild 2! Consider us impatient children in the backseat of a car, at the start of an exceedingly long journey: Is it 2022 yet? And hold the green beans…
[1] When we (Demelza) finally did manage the second golf shot, we were so stunned that we (Demelza) forgot the cardinal rule of game-playing, which was to get a 30-second commemorative video of the feat. When we (Itzal) snarkily reminded us of that fact, we (Demelza) created a victory-lap video, which, although not quite the same, chronicles Link’s (Demelza’s) leaps of joy at the empty treasure chest after retrieving the GAC.